Thursday, May 13, 2010

The Tanner Super Hero

For all those that have seen enough men in ratty, intramural championship shirts, mixed with khakis and athletic sandals, taking a little field trip over to the Business school to gander at the Tanner Super-Hero can be an ultimate Quantum of Solace.

This guy deals with money for school and therefore gets to dress like he's starring in Casino Royale Marriott edition. In a perfectly filled out suit he looks like an icon for the American dream (with liberty and sexy for all) and you want to give him the Goldneye. But just like Batman, Superman, Spiderman and all the greats, the TSH cannot always be this pinnacle of business perfection. There comes a time when he has to assume his Clark Kent role and take off the suit. And with it go his super powers.

Watching the TSH walk through those windowed halls is the perfect topping for your chicken pesto panini (RIP market place cafe), but as he's gliding down the stairs, glowing with business-savvy-manliness, you become very aware of how unworthy you are to be in his presence. You start wishing you had at least turned on the lights before you threw on your BYU sweats this morning, because upon closer examination they have remnants of a frosty on them, and might be on backwards.

Not all the money majors can be the TSH though, and the way they these unfortunate others fill out their suits, (or the lack thereof) remind one of the times in Middle School when your "friend" would eat a starburst and then fold back up the wrapper and offer it to you--just the frame without any of the sugar. But even these empty starbursts are better than nothing, because every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man.

Monday, May 10, 2010

The JCer

Outside their natural habitat of the Jerusalem Center, this specimen is easily identified by the pants that were once baggy enough to be Kearl-Kosher, but now, 98.6 peanut butter/chocolate pitas later, are as snug as a bug in a rug. Or by the fact that they are always walking through the city on gender non-specific group dates, or by the feet, neck, watch and ankle tanlines they wear like battle scars.
Once spotted, they will respond to any of the following: "Mormon," "BYU," "Utah," or "sooo beautiful"... but they will probably give you a "la shukran" or "nien danke" in return.
They love having decisions made for them like what classes to take, when and where to eat, and even when and how to go to the bathroom ("Do I need my wad?"). They're also known to put anything and everything in a pita (eggs, cucumbers, yogurt, headsets, water bottles...)
Don't ask The JCer what time it is--they won't know. Instead, ask how many hours it's been since lunch, or how many hours until dinner. This makes much more sense to them.
The JCer also has quite a flavor for ancient architecture and won't get an apartment without a cistern. Or a mikveh.
But the real distinguishing feature of The JCer is that they won't be able to stop talking about the amazing people they met and the life-changing experiences they had during the last four months. And when they are telling you all about them, make sure to pay attention or they might snap their fingers in your face.