Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Small Town Hero

The Small Town Hero is the epitome of a big fish in a little pond. Except coming to BYU makes their little pond look like a divot in the sidewalk when it fills up with sprinkler water. So because they were the only multi-cellular being, they grew up being treated like a god.

They got a front page story in the local newspaper for things like: "Local Teen Learns To Breathe With His Mouth Closed--Onlookers Impressed" which makes them extremely disappointed when they're walking across the JFSB courtyard and the crowds don't part like the Red Sea. This guy/girl has also been Homecoming King/Queen ever since they hit puberty. Which is actually quite an accomplishment when you consider the award winning livestock they beat out. They'll also have exceeded expectations in all athletic arenas because they were the only kid within a hundred miles that hadn't lost a major limb to a farming accident.

This deified upbringing comes to a quick halt when they enter the pearly gates of BYU and are faced head on with their own mortality. The first few weeks of the semester they're still walking on air; answering every question the professor throws out, dating anything that moves, bearing impromptu testimonies during every hour of church. But it's all over as soon as they take their first test/write their first paper/get rejected by their significant other/get slapped by the bishop. After reality is forced to check the STH hard, they usually disappear and you never see them again. They either fade into the homogeneity of BYU, or they can't take being anything less than an idol so they run back home to West Armpit USA where the town will throw them a parade every time they take a crap.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

The Party Pooper

It's 2:00 in the afternoon. You are freaking starving, and you won't be home until at least 4:00. But wait! You forgot that it's presentation day in class! And look--one of the groups forgot to do any real work so they brought treats for the class! O frabjous day! This will tide you over until dinner! How did they know you'd need this so much today...

And then the pretty, well-dressed b-word next to you curtly shakes her head "no" before passing the treat plate to you because she is a Party Pooper. Now what do you do? Taking the treat automatically contrasts you to her: on one hand, we have a girl who knows when to say when. A girl who possesses self-restraint. On the other, we have a girl with a weakness for Halloween cookies. A girl whose whole shopping list consists of those (delicious) circus animal cookies and Cheez-Its.

You sit there with the tray, frantically weighing the pros and cons, knowing that no one actually cares whether or not you take a cookie, but also knowing that this could be a turning point for you--the moment when you become a healthy person! One of those yoga-types, who never drinks soda and thinks dessert means granola...

But obviously you take a cookie; you really are hungry. But thanks to the Party Pooper, what was once a glimmering tender mercy now tastes an awful lot like shame.