Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Shrubbery

This specimen, female, usually comes from a town that has more cows than humans. Where there is also something in the water that makes a girl look at herself in the mirror and say, "you know what would look good on the top of my head? A snarled rat's nest made of human hair." These girls spend hours brushing, combing, blow drying, straightening, and then decide to sic the top of their head at the high speed ceiling fan for that Phil Spector look. Generally speaking, you can apply the law that the higher the hair, the lower the IQ.

Although not quite sure what they're hoping to achieve with this look, it definitely could serve as a Venus Fly Trap type of approach; attracting their prey with sheer curiosity, and then grabbing hold with a death grip of intricate snarls. Going into hair salons they just request the Chinese Finger Trap or the Devil's Snare.

Sitting behind them in a class with a lot of visual cues, or a hot professor can be somewhat vexing, but if you're behind them in a three hour snooze fest of an evening class you might as well be wearing an invisibility cloak because you can get away with whatever you want! Whether it's taking a little nap, having a picnic, or giving yourself a sponge bath, you can count on that iron curtain of ratted hair to keep you from your professor's sight.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Pop Culture Elitist

This person cannot survive in a world where strangers are ignorant of his or her extensive knowledge of secular entertainment. He or she will thus take every imaginable opportunity to drop references to old/independent/R-rated films to look edgy and cool in front of their BYU peers. In the company of other PCEs, this actually works, and the street creds just rack up (either in the form of Gryffindor rubies or Sim friend points). They are particularly noticeable in classes taught by young-ish professors, the ones who most frequently make allusions to movies and or TV shows. The PCE can be identified post-reference by his or her compulsive nodding to signify recognition; wide eyes looking rapidly around the room to make sure everyone sees the nodding; and loud, staccato, anxious laughter even if the reference wasn't a comedic one.

To successfully ruin a PCE's day, find a movie they've never seen/researched and bring it up enthusiastically in conversation.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Marriage Crusader

Just like the Christian Crusaders of old, this person will stop at nothing to enlist you in the marriage troops.

Always a female. Always of good intentions. Always annoying.

Just because they crossed eyes with their better half over some savory jell-o in the Cannon Center first semester their freshman year, they feel entitled, nay obligated, to impose their nuptials on every other single wretch out there. Common side effects of the MC are chronic use of the terms: hubby, snuggly, baby, ring, cuddly, kisses, blissfully happy... sudden left arm twitches which display "the rock" and so forth.

Conversations with the Marriage Crusader usually begin a common salutation, and then the conversation goes immediately south with relentless inquiries on your dating status. And no matter how loud she proclaims that she "can't believe you're still not dating anyone!" in the middle of the Wilk, nothing is as humiliating as when she starts to give you tips on how to land that perfect (but not as perfect as her "cuddly bug" mind you) guy. Par exemple:

"Maybe that guy in your OldTestament would ask you out if he didn't have to watch those chipped nails thumb through Deuteronomy. "
"When in doubt, make-out. You don't land your man by being a prude."
"If you didn't spend so much time doing baptisms for the dead, you'd free up your nights for more eternal companion interviews (dates). Plus that chlorine's really sucking all the luster out of your hair."
"How about instead of wearing that frumpy backpack, you wear one of those cute flowery purses that only hold lip gloss and your cell phone. Every guy knows that the more books a girl carries, the fewer progeny she'll bear him."
"And stop studying so much, the higher your gpa, the uglier your husband will be."

At this point it's best to just stick your single tail between your single legs and pull the neckline down and the hemline up so as to ensure that you'll never spend another night alone.