Wednesday, December 2, 2009
*this is the one I have [insert winky face emoticon]
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
Monday, November 2, 2009
Somehow this kid, though he's only been in the dorms one week like everybody else, knows every single person in Helaman Halls. He knows them each intimately. He's made out with 70% of the girls. He's made hilarious videos at 2 a.m. with 45% of the boys. He is the King!
His appearance changes every year. You'd think The King would consistently be a hottie, but I lived in a kingdom under the rule of a less-than-conventional-looking czar--and yet he still had nearly every female subject wrapped around his pinky toe.
Unless you are also a member of his Round Table and thus know an impressive amount of BYU students, try not to walk with him for too long on campus. You will be left feeling lame and unpopular. On the plus side, all those people will have seen you with The King and will assume that you're the Bomb!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
To successfully ruin a PCE's day, find a movie they've never seen/researched and bring it up enthusiastically in conversation.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
The male half of Brangelina is always a returned missionary, and this is probably his first relationship since he's been home. This is one explanation (but not an excuse) for his over-eager, slightly scary compulsion to tie that crap down. Since he is an RM as well as a Committed Boyfriend, he has declared himself expert on all topics spiritual and romantic. Don't ever EVER start a conversation with him, however desperately you may need notes, or an essay prompt, or the Heimlich. The female part of this dream team is an underclassman who still has some general credits to finish, which works out perfectly because he, too, still needs to take American Heritage. She has possibly less personality than any other human you will ever encounter.
SIDE EFFECTS OF BRANGELINA
- if they are Hot Brangelina, you may find yourself feeling sad that you aren't in a wonderful, happy relationship like theirs.
- if they are Fug Brangelina, you may have trouble holding in your vomit.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
This breed is almost as bad as the Chronic Sniffer of the Testing Center, except instead of wanting to smother him with the box of the Kleenex he so sorely needs, you just want to burn all of his belongings so he'll never have occasion to laugh again.
Not only is this specimen blessed with a laugh somewhere between a strangled goose and an emphysemic death cough, but also a need to throw it down on full blast at even the slightest pleasantry. This is especially potent when paired with either a Hardy-Har-Har Professor, or a Self-Proclaimed Wise Guy classmate. Or, (and I wouldn't wish this on even the worst BYU stereotype) a suicidal combo of all three. The Chortler usually manages to sit just in your blind spot every day of class so that the laugh is just a faceless sound until you finally give up on the stretching/scratching-glances guise and throw your shame to the wind by spinning all the way around to catch your jovial neighbor mid-chortle.
After you've unveiled The Chortler (this is usually exciting if he/she's gender/ethnicity/marital status is different than expected) you're paranoiacally looking for him/her everywhere on campus until you can’t study/eat/drink/sleep without worrying about being in the same vicinity of the chortler until finally you’re pushing a shopping cart full of all your earthly possessions and some stray cats down University Avenue muttering and chortling to yourself until Kingdom come.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
WEIRD: He is effeminate in every possible way and has a speaking voice reminiscent of Michael Jackson [too soon? Whatever] but probably doesn't have the moonwalk to justify it. Although the Weird M.E.M. can come in either Skeletor or Man-Boob'd, he can almost always be spotted wearing his usual ensemble of a pastel blouse--I mean polo, chino khakis, Keds, and glasses--but alas, not the cool, edgy, rectangular frames. These specs are big, round, and silver. Besides his disappointing appearance, the Male English Major also annoys us all with his arguing tactics. Easily flustered and riled up, he is extremely defensive and becomes mortally offended at the first sign of opposition. He has almost zero sense of humor, although when someone misspeaks, he is the first to whip around, stare beadily from his front row seat, and snort loudly and derisively at the poor soul.
AWESOME: Like the Weird M.E.M., he is very intelligent, but he uses his analytic genius for good rather than evil [i.e. he's really funny]. He is intriguingly attractive, sporting ironic t-shirts, those trendy little rectangular glasses to which I am so partial, and immaculately-fitting jeans. The Awesome M.E.M. does not always immediately catch one's eye, but he grabs one's affections with his snarky wit and insightful comments in class. He is generally single, which forces one to wonder how in the world he isn't married (i.e. what's wrong with him?). WARNING: Awesome M.E.M.s sound perfect, but beware their tendencies to be annoyingly snobby [a trait common to all English majors, regardless of gender].
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
This guy blows through Relief Societies faster than swine flu, and leaves about as much destruction in his wake. Tearing through the Sisters in Zion with his charm and his King Henry confidence. He is also a master at his plan. He will figure out how to turn any situation into a date--one second he's taking care of your Taco Bell trash at the Cougareat while simultaneously getting your name, hometown, major, phone number, the number of children you will bear him...(always in this order) then he's whisking you over to Sugar and Spice where a small scoop of cookies & cream (paid for with his signature card) is supposed to make you swoon, then you have a doorstop scene in front of the Wilk where he professes his "undying like" for you and then by the time you walk through the bookstore you see him sipping a Jamba cheek to cheek with a freshman from Mesa.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Even though these Ethnic Treasures are grossly outnumbered, they have figured out some way (possibly using an underground railroad?) for at least one to be within sight all over campus, reminding everyone else that there is a big world out there filled with people who can dance and don't play croquet.
Apart from throwing off the pre-integration aesthetic BYU's got going on and keeping the politically-correct status quo, they also have a knack for making their presence known in class. Sitting in the back (knowing everyone can see them no matter where they sit), most likely wearing the Y athletics warmups, they are generally quiet until they are able to turn a discussion (any discussion) into a speech about what it is like to not feel uncomfortable at ethnic restaurants.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
-stained T shirt from her senior year of high school
-hair pulled back in a greasy ponytail
-lack of earrings
-dark undereye circles
At first glance, one might think that all BYU students are the same: white, Mormon, upper-middle class, prude...au contraire, dear reader, for in this university there lurk many different species of college students. Some are friendly, some are hostile, but somehow we all manage to coexist in this habitat.
We consider ourselves authorized to report our findings regarding our peers, seeing as we are 1.) indubitably clever and 2.) English majors.