Wednesday, December 15, 2010

The BYU Hipster

In real life*, hipsters are people in their twenties** who believe in nothing but cigarettes and tumblr accounts. They come from upper-middle class, suburban homes with parents who love them, but they choose to make passersby think that they were raised by Courtney Love in the sewers. The only music they listen to sounds like acoustic poop, although sometimes they like things ironically, like early '80s pop bands. Hipsters exude an attitude of humble superiority: "I'm not good enough to shower or shave my smoldery*** neck beard, but I'm better than all of you, and that's how low you are." Somehow they are drowning in apathy while simultaneously caring too much.

BYU Hipsters? Yeah, they are all of this (except for that part where I talked about the cigarettes!) but worse: they want to seem like all they care about is Jack Kerouac and scarves and greasy bangs, but they've been on missions and go to church and take religion classes and are thus just pretending to not care about their lives and God and finding their eternal companions.

*Outside of The Bubble

**Anyone who looks/acts like this over the age of twenty-nine is pretty freaking sad. Anyone looking/acting like this under the age of twenty...well they still have the chance to grow out of it.

***Yes, sometimes certain girls are attracted to certain neck stubble.

Monday, December 13, 2010

The Suburban Cowboy

This, not so rare breed of BYUers, would like nothing more than to believe that he is rare. That he is a dying breed of those infected with stickittodamaneosis, pioneering the way for outlaws everywhere. Because he has a mustache.
Toeing the Honor Code line, this bad-a shows that he's too wild to be tamed by the Strength of Youth pamphlet and he must let the wild out. By not shaving his upper lip for 6-8 weeks.
The Suburban Cowboy comes in many shapes and sizes though, or rather, his hairy manifestation of glory does.

The Tight Rope Walker: this guy's mustache is so daintily grown, and well coiffed, that it could only belong to some well-balanced Frenchman, but somehow you caught him coming out of the MARB before devotional. Most likely, the Tight Rope Walker knows that his mustache isn't doing him any manly favors and he'll either try to testosterone it up by wearing Timbalands and flannel, or he'll shave it off before the testing center even bats an eye.
The Cornsilk: to call this man's mustache a mustache is like calling a Prius a muscle car. It usually consists of wispy, yellow strands that are reminiscent of the material used for Charlotte's Web. No doubt the Cornsilk also has a complex about his transparent manmark, and will often refer to the waif above his lip as his "stache." Tagging it in pictures on facebook, tweeting about it, taking it out to dinner and a movie, etc.
The Rotten Whiskers: this brand refers to, but is not limited to, the hipster. Thinking it's so avante garde to come to school in an aura of his and others' filth, the Rotten Whiskers is very often found with Subway breadcrumbs, Tomassito's marinara and chocolate milk from the vending in his mustache. All at once. If you plan on kissing the Rotten Whiskers, plan on going on a diet too because every smooch with them is like a square meal.
The Border Patrol: this mustache grows so full and so proud it's all you notice when you see it on campus. It comes in so thick that it's clear it was bred only to instill fear in all those it looks upon. A word of caution, even though this mustache will replace the need for hulking muscles and vulgarity when you're trying to get a parking spot, it soon starts to take over the host and has been the demise of a few good men.
And last, but cerrrrrtainly not least is The Lumberjackpoliticiandad: this golden specimen embodies everything facial hair should be. It makes the user look like he could knock down trees but pick up puppies, like he could land a football scholarship but also a business deal. There aren't many instances of the Lumberjackpoliticiandad, but when you do see one, feel free to give them a standing ovation and everything you have in your wallet. They deserve it.