The One

{for the full effect, read this while listening to Barry White's "Can't Get Enough of Your Love, Babe"}

The One is that guy at whom you stare in class. Rarely seen in classes relating to your major (he is particularly endangered when your major is English), The One is typically found in General Ed (e.g. Biology 101, American Heritage, Math 119) or religion classes. His appearance varies for each victim, but he tends to have a vaguely smug and yet amiable expression on his perfect face. When you first stumble across The One, you'll be convinced that you have never before seen a more beautiful man. You'll start planning your future with The One: naming your children, designing your home, planning family vacations, etc. You will also engage in imaginary conversations, in which he is witty, fun, and fascinated by everything you say. However one-sided it may be, the relationship between you and The One is deep and magical--until the semester ends, you never got up the courage to actually speak to him, and you have a C in the class.

The Ethnic Treasure

Although this particular member of the BYU ecosystem is rare enough to be on the endangered species list, he/she is much easier to point out. Owing mostly to the fact that the majority of BYU cougs have about as much melanin as the illuminated crosswalk man.

Even though these Ethnic Treasures are grossly outnumbered, they have figured out some way (possibly using an underground railroad?) for at least one to be within sight all over campus, reminding everyone else that there is a big world out there filled with people who can dance and don't play croquet.

Apart from throwing off the pre-integration aesthetic BYU's got going on and keeping the politically-correct status quo, they also have a knack for making their presence known in class. Sitting in the back (knowing everyone can see them no matter where they sit), most likely wearing the Y athletics warmups, they are generally quiet until they are able to turn a discussion (any discussion) into a speech about what it is like to not feel uncomfortable at ethnic restaurants.

The Perpetual Frump

The Perpetual Frump is rarely seen on the BYU campus, but when she appears, she turns heads--in the worst way possible. Unlike all the other female BYU students who between daily classes and nightly dates can somehow find time to haul A to University Mall and buy new outfits everyday, the PF has apparently not yet found the balance between her social life and academia. On the plus side, BYU students tend to be optimistic; they generally assume the PF has some form of influenza.

Characteristics include:
-stained T shirt from her senior year of high school
-hair pulled back in a greasy ponytail
-yesterday's makeup
-lack of earrings
-dark undereye circles

The Holier Than Thou

This person is always looking for an opportunity to drop their spirituality and then rub your face in it. They're not happy with just reveling in their own piety, but rather, they're always looking for the mother-of-all-harlots in us all. They'll usually be found with raised eyebrows and a mildly sour look on their face (common side effects of evaluating everyone's celestial potential). Their in-class-comments are always riddled with obscure scriptural references like the gospel of Judas, and formatted in the same way as their testimony (i.e. "I know the Pythagorean Theorem is true because..."). And of course they always have to wrap up with a girls/scout camp experience which leaves the rest of us wondering whether we should say "amen" or throw up. You can usually spot the females by their wool turtlenecks (in January or July) complete with their shining YW medallion and unassuming Kirkland Signature jeans. Their male counterparts can be found with a Matthew Perry-esque plaid button up (with every button securely fastened--for propriety's sake), short sleeved of course with their linguini arms making their solar debut since their Scandinavian mission.

A Brief Introduction

There are few places in the world like Brigham Young University. It's a great school with renowned professors, a tight-knit community, and a Teriyaki Sticks right on campus. The most fascinating part of BYU, however, is not its academic prowess or its convenient proximity to Y Mountain; what makes the university so unique is its student population.

At first glance, one might think that all BYU students are the same: white, Mormon, upper-middle class, prude...au contraire, dear reader, for in this university there lurk many different species of college students. Some are friendly, some are hostile, but somehow we all manage to coexist in this habitat.

We consider ourselves authorized to report our findings regarding our peers, seeing as we are 1.) indubitably clever and 2.) English majors.