Friday, October 2, 2009

The Marriage Crusader

Just like the Christian Crusaders of old, this person will stop at nothing to enlist you in the marriage troops.

Always a female. Always of good intentions. Always annoying.

Just because they crossed eyes with their better half over some savory jell-o in the Cannon Center first semester their freshman year, they feel entitled, nay obligated, to impose their nuptials on every other single wretch out there. Common side effects of the MC are chronic use of the terms: hubby, snuggly, baby, ring, cuddly, kisses, blissfully happy... sudden left arm twitches which display "the rock" and so forth.

Conversations with the Marriage Crusader usually begin a common salutation, and then the conversation goes immediately south with relentless inquiries on your dating status. And no matter how loud she proclaims that she "can't believe you're still not dating anyone!" in the middle of the Wilk, nothing is as humiliating as when she starts to give you tips on how to land that perfect (but not as perfect as her "cuddly bug" mind you) guy. Par exemple:

"Maybe that guy in your OldTestament would ask you out if he didn't have to watch those chipped nails thumb through Deuteronomy. "
"When in doubt, make-out. You don't land your man by being a prude."
"If you didn't spend so much time doing baptisms for the dead, you'd free up your nights for more eternal companion interviews (dates). Plus that chlorine's really sucking all the luster out of your hair."
"How about instead of wearing that frumpy backpack, you wear one of those cute flowery purses that only hold lip gloss and your cell phone. Every guy knows that the more books a girl carries, the fewer progeny she'll bear him."
"And stop studying so much, the higher your gpa, the uglier your husband will be."

At this point it's best to just stick your single tail between your single legs and pull the neckline down and the hemline up so as to ensure that you'll never spend another night alone.

2 comments:

  1. You, madame, have shocked any potential witty comments out of me. I am speechless in my awe. CHAPEAU!!!! (I used 4 exclamation points because I can't make the font bigger or bolder)

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  2. You should read seriouslysoblessed.blogspot.com

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